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Hi Makayla!
This is a very promising start! The plot sounds intriguing. Lots of potential for great twists and turns.
I was confused by a couple things. First, the opening paragraph:
Now was the hard part. Brielle pulled herself out of the chair and approached the white quartz stone of her bedroom walls. She began singing the prayer to Esmadeous, God of Innovation and Change, who ruled over the Material Realm. The prayer called for safe passage. It had been so long, and she had been so weak. She hoped He didn’t feel vindictive over her lack of piety. But it was too late to keep worrying about that. She had to trust her god. Brielle took a deep breath and walked through the wall.
The issue here is that we really don’t know the character that well (or her unfortunate circumstance) to understand why she is praying for safe passage or why she had been so weak. We can’t connect with her, not yet. Because of this, I recommend cutting out the first paragraph entirely and starting with The world opened up and enclosed…
You can fill in the details little by little as the story progresses.
In paragraph two you repeat the word “beast” three times in the span of three consecutive sentences. I recommend using a different word: monster, abomination, etc.
Brielle looked into those empty eyes and all of the anger and frustration and fear that had built up inside her came out in a scream of her own.
The above sentence is much too wordy. I suggest cutting some words out to improve readability. Example: Brielle peered into those empty eyes and released all the pent up anger, fear and frustration in one shrill shriek.
Which brings me to my next question: Why does she have all this emotion restrained inside of her? It can’t be because of the beast because she had no problem entering its domain. I would take a beat or two to explain why she feels this way.
She lay there for a second, the breath knocked out of her lungs and thankful that falling did not work the same in this realm.
Why is falling from a cliff different in this realm? And what kind of realm is she in where she can fall from a cliff without so much as a scratch? This world seems to have some gravity, otherwise the beast wouldn’t be stomping its feet and rocks wouldn’t be falling to the ground.
The quartz beast shrieked as it peered over the edge. Its legs slammed against ground sending down a shower of rocks. Before she could convince herself otherwise, Brielle stumbled to her feet and charged at the void before her.
You switch POV to the beast in the first sentence. Describe the beast’s face from Brielle’s vantage point. What color are its eyes? Does it have teeth? That kind of thing.
Again, the world folded around her as she pushed her way through the darkness and into the light of day. After catching her breath, she sang the prayer to Esmadeous, thanking him for his guidance. Once the queen figured out where she was, she hastily made her way to freedom.
Unclear what happened here. Did she go through some portal or something? Make sure you communicate that to the reader so as to avoid confusion. You don’t want the reader to backtrack to figure out what’s going on.
As Brielle continued through the castle grounds she started feeling self-conscious. She was sure she looked worse for wear.
Don’t tell the reader. Show the reader. Is her clothing ripped, hair tangled? Did she even sustain any injuries from the fall? How does she smell? How does the town smell?
With some spit and polish I can see this turning into an engrossing unputdownable story. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! 🙂