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Fantasy Short Story exerpt
My favorite sample of my writing from a fantasy short story I recently did. A bit of context: this is about a queen who finds out that her many years of illness was caused by her physician slowly poisoning her to make her weak (ordered by her husband, the King). She suspects that her husband has also been lying to her about the state of their kingdom. She decides to escape through the castle walls and find out what is really going on in the kingdom. (Will probably become part of a larger story but I need to write a couple more books first before I make this one a reality):
Now was the hard part. Brielle pulled herself out of the chair and approached the white quartz stone of her bedroom walls. She began singing the prayer to Esmadeous, God of Innovation and Change, who ruled over the Material Realm. The prayer called for safe passage. It had been so long, and she had been so weak. She hoped He didn’t feel vindictive over her lack of piety. But it was too late to keep worrying about that. She had to trust her god. Brielle took a deep breath and walked through the wall.
The world opened up and enclosed around her like a thick marmalade. When she opened her eyes she met startling bright light. Her eyes adjusted quickly, and once they did, her legs almost gave out beneath her. She stood, shaking, before three unblinking eyes like slits of midnight in the expansive white of the beast’s body. Brielle could see the edge of a white cliff through the beast’s translucent body. Beyond that was the same dark void as the beast’s eyes.
Spindly legs, like crystal shards, contracted together as its long, splintered body twisted and coiled together so that it loomed over her. The beast opened an impossibly wide mouth and screamed at the wide-eyed Queen.
This was the soul of the white quartz she had forcefully invaded and it wanted her out.
Brielle looked into those empty eyes and all of the anger and frustration and fear that had built up inside her came out in a scream of her own.
The quartz beast backed up in confusion hesitating before preparing to strike. Yet, that brief hesitation was all she needed. She reacted without thinking, instincts of years past taking over. With her heart pounding in her ears, Brielle slid underneath the writhing beast, knees scraping against the rough stone ground. She plunged off the cliff edge behind it and landed on her back. She lay there for a second, the breath knocked out of her lungs and thankful that falling did not work the same in this realm.
The quartz beast shrieked as it peered over the edge. Its legs slammed against ground sending down a shower of rocks. Before she could convince herself otherwise, Brielle stumbled to her feet and charged at the void before her.
Again, the world folded around her as she pushed her way through the darkness and into the light of day. After catching her breath, she sang the prayer to Esmadeous, thanking him for his guidance. Once the queen figured out where she was, she hastily made her way to freedom.
As Brielle continued through the castle grounds she started feeling self-conscious. She was sure she looked worse for wear. Yet, the people that moved around her didn’t seem to notice anything amiss. Queen Brielle de Castēanais of Thietan was well and truly invisible.
She passed through a busy marketplace, still within the castle walls. It seemed like the castle hosted a small town within its wide walled arms. The people here looked exactly as her husband described. They were happy, well-fed and well-dressed. So why had it seemed like everyone was lying to her? She found out once she left the protective walls of her home through heavily guarded gates.
The difference was palpable. There was a shift in the air and Brielle found herself struggling to breathe. People walked past her with faces and clothes that were stained with dirt. Some of them carried the haunted expressions of hunger and their clothes hung off skin and bone bodies as they slowly went about their day. Memories of the couple flashed through her mind.
Brielle moved on and walked through the dirt streets surrounded by sagging wooden buildings. As she went further down, the streets grew more crowded and Brielle had to push her way through to see what everyone was gathering for. The street opened up into a circular plaza and the closer she got, the louder and more packed the crowd of common folk got. She could see at the center of the circle was a tall wooden platform. On the platform stood two guards with spears, one on the right and one on the left. A man in tattered clothing stood in the middle with a rope around his neck, tied to the wooden beam above. She heard the clink of metal and saw more guards in plate standing to the side.
People pushed her to get closer and she barely managed to keep her ground. One of the guards shouted for silence and banged his staff against the wooden platform. The crowd of hungry peasants quieted down after a few more bangs.
The guard’s voice boomed and echoed through the plaza, “By order of Her Majesty Queen Brielle de Castēanais of Thietan, I sentence this man to death for crimes of treason against the crown!” Brielle was frozen in shock and cries for the man to be freed rose above the din of the crowd.
The condemned man raised his hands up and began to sing the prayer of Kadia, the Goddess of Freedom and War. The crowd fell silent again as the haunting song carried over them. One of the guards tightened the rope around the singing man’s throat while the other pulled a lever to the side. The prayer was cut off by the guttural choking of the man now hanging in the air.
For a while, that was all Brielle could hear. And when the life finally left him, silence filled the plaza. Then screams and shouting erupted as the crowd turned to wild chaos. The wooden platform fell under the swarm of attack peasants. Guards on the side were trying to instill order with their spears, gutting people and cutting them down. Brielle felt bile build up and try to force itself out. Her heart pounded in her ears. She had to get away. Bodies pushed and shoved and scraped against her as she tried to escape. Every time she seemed to be making ground, she was sucked back into the fury of the riot.
As she struggled against the tide of the starving, angry masses she began to hear something that turned her blood cold. A chant rippled through the frenzied crowd calling for the Queen’s blood. Calling for her death. And a realization hit Brielle like a choking sob. This was the gritty ugly truth that was kept from her, what she had so desperately escaped to. This was her kingdom, and it hated her.
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1 Reply
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Hi Makayla!
This is a very promising start! The plot sounds intriguing. Lots of potential for great twists and turns.
I was confused by a couple things. First, the opening paragraph:
Now was the hard part. Brielle pulled herself out of the chair and approached the white quartz stone of her bedroom walls. She began singing the prayer to Esmadeous, God of Innovation and Change, who ruled over the Material Realm. The prayer called for safe passage. It had been so long, and she had been so weak. She hoped He didn’t feel vindictive over her lack of piety. But it was too late to keep worrying about that. She had to trust her god. Brielle took a deep breath and walked through the wall.
The issue here is that we really don’t know the character that well (or her unfortunate circumstance) to understand why she is praying for safe passage or why she had been so weak. We can’t connect with her, not yet. Because of this, I recommend cutting out the first paragraph entirely and starting with The world opened up and enclosed…
You can fill in the details little by little as the story progresses.
In paragraph two you repeat the word “beast” three times in the span of three consecutive sentences. I recommend using a different word: monster, abomination, etc.
Brielle looked into those empty eyes and all of the anger and frustration and fear that had built up inside her came out in a scream of her own.
The above sentence is much too wordy. I suggest cutting some words out to improve readability. Example: Brielle peered into those empty eyes and released all the pent up anger, fear and frustration in one shrill shriek.
Which brings me to my next question: Why does she have all this emotion restrained inside of her? It can’t be because of the beast because she had no problem entering its domain. I would take a beat or two to explain why she feels this way.
She lay there for a second, the breath knocked out of her lungs and thankful that falling did not work the same in this realm.
Why is falling from a cliff different in this realm? And what kind of realm is she in where she can fall from a cliff without so much as a scratch? This world seems to have some gravity, otherwise the beast wouldn’t be stomping its feet and rocks wouldn’t be falling to the ground.
The quartz beast shrieked as it peered over the edge. Its legs slammed against ground sending down a shower of rocks. Before she could convince herself otherwise, Brielle stumbled to her feet and charged at the void before her.
You switch POV to the beast in the first sentence. Describe the beast’s face from Brielle’s vantage point. What color are its eyes? Does it have teeth? That kind of thing.
Again, the world folded around her as she pushed her way through the darkness and into the light of day. After catching her breath, she sang the prayer to Esmadeous, thanking him for his guidance. Once the queen figured out where she was, she hastily made her way to freedom.
Unclear what happened here. Did she go through some portal or something? Make sure you communicate that to the reader so as to avoid confusion. You don’t want the reader to backtrack to figure out what’s going on.
As Brielle continued through the castle grounds she started feeling self-conscious. She was sure she looked worse for wear.
Don’t tell the reader. Show the reader. Is her clothing ripped, hair tangled? Did she even sustain any injuries from the fall? How does she smell? How does the town smell?
With some spit and polish I can see this turning into an engrossing unputdownable story. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing! 🙂
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